11 down. 1 to go.
It's 1 AM. My nose is blocked from everywhere. And I am lying on my bed, surrounded with hair. Yeah, my hair started to fall again. Yuck. Worst feeling. Like it just started growing man. And it's not even like regular hairfall. It's like when you have a dog and then you have fur everywhere.
It's warm, I am feeling so hot but I can't turn on the AC because of my nose. Such an irony. But the best part in this whole dilemma is that I HAVE JUST ONE MORE CHEMO LEFT. I am just too overwhelmed thinking in two weeks there won't be any more chemotherapies to go through. Phew.
Okay, so just let me update you on my recent events. My doctor has stated that I am metabolically out of cancer and gave me a long fancy explanation but what I only heard was that I AM OUT OF CANCER. Sad part I have another chemotherapy left so that no relapses ever happen. So my chemo side effects are horribleee. After this 3 weeks of radiation and then Hello College! I cannot wait to be back to my regular workaholic life again. So basically I am updating this blog at this time because A. I am bored and I slept way too much in the afternoon to feel sleepy now. And B. Because I wanted to share some stuff I learnt recently during this whole leg of treatment.
During my last chemo, which was yesterday I broke down. I broke down frantically and refused to go through with the treatment any more. Few days ago I was extremely scared to go through this chemo again. Now you would be wondering why on earth would she be scared? Isn't she used too this stuff? Yeah I was wondering the same thing too. But sometimes your mind takes over you again. So I was so scared again that I postponed my chemo. Then begged the doctor to cancel it off which was against the protocol and when nothing worked I wept. Wept like an idiot for something I am used too. It was bad. I couldn't gather the courage to fight this anymore and decided to give up in the last leg. The only thing going on in my head was "Screw this shit, Is it even worth?". Like literally I wanted to give up. So I sat there crying. Nurses came. Doctors came. My mom was feeling helpless and I wailed. Made a big nuisance. I am tired of this shit man. Like its not ending. Why do I have to get chemo when I have no cancer? When my scans came out clear? So seeing all this a doctor came and dragged me to the pediatric ward where I was the one crying. There was this huge TV with Chota Bheem, brightly painted walls, stuffed toys and lots and lots of kids. And there a 18 year old was crying. There were so many kids but I would have been the immaturest of them all. So many little souls who did not even know what was wrong with them and were just looking at me thinking 'Who is this big girl crying?' I even offered them chocolates but they got scared and walked away. Not their fault really. If you go to a pediatric department and cry helplessly what kind of reaction do you expect? There was this little new born getting a Lumbar Puncture. That angel had just entered the world, What was his fault? Most of the kids had leukemia and did not even know it. And they fought it so bravely with this cute smile on their faces. So much innocence. So much to learn from those souls. They were probably going through a hell lot of more pain compared to me when they just entered the world and here I was thinking of giving up? That was a tight slap on my face. Guys just remember if you are having a bad day, that actually might be a good day for someone else. Relativity my friends. Relativity. The more we see other's problems, the more we are compassionate towards them, our problems seem so much smaller. So whenever you are feeling sad, go to the nearest kid and let them teach you how to live life. We might have come a good way with many experiences- good and bad, with many judgements about life, but trust me we know nothing. We really dont know anything about living life till we see a little kid crying over a broken crayon and not over Leukemia.
I dont know how many times I have come across this thought, but it actually makes a lot of sense to me now. "You are much stronger than you think you are." Few months ago I was under heavy depression and had no idea on how to fight my biggest fear, and here I am writing this, announcing that I conquered one of the deadliest diseases in the world.
Yeah, I did.
Hard, yeah definitely. Impossible, NOPE. During this phase I came across a lot of realities. You are your own savior. Only you can help yourself. If you think anyone else would solve your problem, then you are sadly mistaken. They can help you but that's all. The work has to be done by you. People who you thought were your so-called close friends will forget you, your relatives will mourn about you, tell you stupid facts and give their free-not-of-any-help advices, but its only in you too fight it out. You are born alone and you die alone, only you can be your own answer. Before I wouldnt even go for a blood test, now I dont even wince when a needle goes through me. What changed? The needle is the same. The nurse is the same. Maybe I did. I am not saying that I am the strongest person or whatever. But yeah, I am stronger than yesterday. And I will be much more stronger tomorrow. If I would like to share one advice with you, Do one thing everyday, that scares you. Trust me you will look back boldly and say "That was me. And now this is how I am."
One of my biggest enemies and my biggest friend during this phase was Time. Yeah, when you suffer it will go the slowest and when you are the happiest, you wont even notice how did it pass by. But technically 24 hours a say remains 24 hours always. Your mindset is what makes time go fast and slow. When you know something deadly is coming up- Like an exam or anything. Just wait exactly for the time when it will end. Because that time will surely come. And then you will just realize how everything went so quickly. Just take time in your stride. If your exam will end at 12, wait for that time. You will have jitters throughout, but as soon as the clock hits 12, it will stop and everything would get back to normal. And yeah as the old saying goes "Time does not wait for anyone", So 12 O'clock will come. You just have to wait for it. Just like this there is also one more fundamental thing I have learnt. Everything that starts will end. If pain starts, it will end. You just have to wait for it to end that's all. John Green quoted Pain as it has to be felt and stuff. But I quote it as 'It will end'. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but yeah someday. If it has started it will stop too. And that's what we have to be patient about. That's what gives us our strength. Just knowing that your pain isnt going to last forever and tomorrow is going to be much better than today and so on, doesn't that give a sense of relief and satisfaction? If your heart has broken at any point of time, just know the pain will end. If you have failed anywhere, just know pain will end. If you are suffering at any point, just know and believe it will end. You just have to be patient about it and leave it all to time. Because throughout this whole journey, I have definitely learnt if time can go bad, it can also go good. If time can be your enemy, it can also be your friend. If time has caused you any problem, it can also heal all your problems. So if you are feeling like just too much is happening in your life and its getting out of hand and you cannot take it, then just remember time will go on. And nothing lasts forever. So your feeling of anguish and pain also will not. And tomorrow will definitely be a better day. So you just have to be patient and let time handle everything. Because there are few things only time can heal. :)
Ciao! :*
It's warm, I am feeling so hot but I can't turn on the AC because of my nose. Such an irony. But the best part in this whole dilemma is that I HAVE JUST ONE MORE CHEMO LEFT. I am just too overwhelmed thinking in two weeks there won't be any more chemotherapies to go through. Phew.
Okay, so just let me update you on my recent events. My doctor has stated that I am metabolically out of cancer and gave me a long fancy explanation but what I only heard was that I AM OUT OF CANCER. Sad part I have another chemotherapy left so that no relapses ever happen. So my chemo side effects are horribleee. After this 3 weeks of radiation and then Hello College! I cannot wait to be back to my regular workaholic life again. So basically I am updating this blog at this time because A. I am bored and I slept way too much in the afternoon to feel sleepy now. And B. Because I wanted to share some stuff I learnt recently during this whole leg of treatment.
During my last chemo, which was yesterday I broke down. I broke down frantically and refused to go through with the treatment any more. Few days ago I was extremely scared to go through this chemo again. Now you would be wondering why on earth would she be scared? Isn't she used too this stuff? Yeah I was wondering the same thing too. But sometimes your mind takes over you again. So I was so scared again that I postponed my chemo. Then begged the doctor to cancel it off which was against the protocol and when nothing worked I wept. Wept like an idiot for something I am used too. It was bad. I couldn't gather the courage to fight this anymore and decided to give up in the last leg. The only thing going on in my head was "Screw this shit, Is it even worth?". Like literally I wanted to give up. So I sat there crying. Nurses came. Doctors came. My mom was feeling helpless and I wailed. Made a big nuisance. I am tired of this shit man. Like its not ending. Why do I have to get chemo when I have no cancer? When my scans came out clear? So seeing all this a doctor came and dragged me to the pediatric ward where I was the one crying. There was this huge TV with Chota Bheem, brightly painted walls, stuffed toys and lots and lots of kids. And there a 18 year old was crying. There were so many kids but I would have been the immaturest of them all. So many little souls who did not even know what was wrong with them and were just looking at me thinking 'Who is this big girl crying?' I even offered them chocolates but they got scared and walked away. Not their fault really. If you go to a pediatric department and cry helplessly what kind of reaction do you expect? There was this little new born getting a Lumbar Puncture. That angel had just entered the world, What was his fault? Most of the kids had leukemia and did not even know it. And they fought it so bravely with this cute smile on their faces. So much innocence. So much to learn from those souls. They were probably going through a hell lot of more pain compared to me when they just entered the world and here I was thinking of giving up? That was a tight slap on my face. Guys just remember if you are having a bad day, that actually might be a good day for someone else. Relativity my friends. Relativity. The more we see other's problems, the more we are compassionate towards them, our problems seem so much smaller. So whenever you are feeling sad, go to the nearest kid and let them teach you how to live life. We might have come a good way with many experiences- good and bad, with many judgements about life, but trust me we know nothing. We really dont know anything about living life till we see a little kid crying over a broken crayon and not over Leukemia.
I dont know how many times I have come across this thought, but it actually makes a lot of sense to me now. "You are much stronger than you think you are." Few months ago I was under heavy depression and had no idea on how to fight my biggest fear, and here I am writing this, announcing that I conquered one of the deadliest diseases in the world.
Yeah, I did.
Hard, yeah definitely. Impossible, NOPE. During this phase I came across a lot of realities. You are your own savior. Only you can help yourself. If you think anyone else would solve your problem, then you are sadly mistaken. They can help you but that's all. The work has to be done by you. People who you thought were your so-called close friends will forget you, your relatives will mourn about you, tell you stupid facts and give their free-not-of-any-help advices, but its only in you too fight it out. You are born alone and you die alone, only you can be your own answer. Before I wouldnt even go for a blood test, now I dont even wince when a needle goes through me. What changed? The needle is the same. The nurse is the same. Maybe I did. I am not saying that I am the strongest person or whatever. But yeah, I am stronger than yesterday. And I will be much more stronger tomorrow. If I would like to share one advice with you, Do one thing everyday, that scares you. Trust me you will look back boldly and say "That was me. And now this is how I am."
One of my biggest enemies and my biggest friend during this phase was Time. Yeah, when you suffer it will go the slowest and when you are the happiest, you wont even notice how did it pass by. But technically 24 hours a say remains 24 hours always. Your mindset is what makes time go fast and slow. When you know something deadly is coming up- Like an exam or anything. Just wait exactly for the time when it will end. Because that time will surely come. And then you will just realize how everything went so quickly. Just take time in your stride. If your exam will end at 12, wait for that time. You will have jitters throughout, but as soon as the clock hits 12, it will stop and everything would get back to normal. And yeah as the old saying goes "Time does not wait for anyone", So 12 O'clock will come. You just have to wait for it. Just like this there is also one more fundamental thing I have learnt. Everything that starts will end. If pain starts, it will end. You just have to wait for it to end that's all. John Green quoted Pain as it has to be felt and stuff. But I quote it as 'It will end'. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but yeah someday. If it has started it will stop too. And that's what we have to be patient about. That's what gives us our strength. Just knowing that your pain isnt going to last forever and tomorrow is going to be much better than today and so on, doesn't that give a sense of relief and satisfaction? If your heart has broken at any point of time, just know the pain will end. If you have failed anywhere, just know pain will end. If you are suffering at any point, just know and believe it will end. You just have to be patient about it and leave it all to time. Because throughout this whole journey, I have definitely learnt if time can go bad, it can also go good. If time can be your enemy, it can also be your friend. If time has caused you any problem, it can also heal all your problems. So if you are feeling like just too much is happening in your life and its getting out of hand and you cannot take it, then just remember time will go on. And nothing lasts forever. So your feeling of anguish and pain also will not. And tomorrow will definitely be a better day. So you just have to be patient and let time handle everything. Because there are few things only time can heal. :)
Ciao! :*
Vidushi beta, ya chemo sucks. It is so so difficult. But let me assure you one thing - soon it will just be a distant, hazy memory. I promise you that. Hang in there, love.
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