The Battle Begins

They say Cancer is one of the deadliest diseases to fight. Conquering this, brings me a title of a survivor. But my mere intention was not to become a survivor, but a warrior. Throughout my two months till now, People continuously told me to be strong, fight it out and never give up. It became way more difficult for me because of my constant fear of this disease and my low thresh hold to pain. What I realised was more than the disease it was the fear that was my enemy. My amazing doctor would take care of those horrible cells, but what about the inner fear that was jeopardizing my recovery mentally and physically.

Cancer does not only play with your physical state. It weakens and breaks you down mentally. When people told me all those theoretical and factual facts about cancer, the real experience is way different. Your mind starts to control you rather than you controlling your mind. The fear, which is produced by the brain was nothing but the biggest obstacle. Fear can be of anything. From water, to heights to darkness to anything possible. And it stops us from doing a lot of things which may be extremely important in life. I remember, when I had a small surgery of a port insertion I was adamant to go under general anesthesia knowing its side effects. Reason- my fear of needles. The side effects were detrimental so my doctor told me something which changed a lot in me- "We cannot let the fear of something small come in the way of achieving and overcoming something big". We always need to suppress it and look at the larger picture. Being fearless doesn't mean having no fear, that's impossible. But acting inspite of it. Cancer was just a way of empowering me. A way I can change myself for better. Whatever I learn from it, is actually something which will come handy not only to me, but probably even you in life.

I hated surprises. All my life I detested them. So, this was a huge surprise. My chemo was a huge surprise. All my experiences were a huge surprise. So, I couldnt go on hating everything even though I anticipated something worse each time. What we never realize is with each something bad, there is always something good. So during my drowning time, I always received a life jacket. Maybe not instantly. But somewhere it was there. All I needed was to search for it. My dad got me connected to this girl Sanya, who suffered from Leaukemia at the age of 14 and got out of it, And she was truly my biggest inspiration. When I spoke to her, I realized what I was going through was not something unusual for Cancer patients to go through but she also made me realize that they are going to be bad days, Really terrible days, and many of them, But then there are also good days that follow. And what we have to do is simply wait for them and thank god for every good moment he has given us.

Most of the time, during our life and miseries that follow we forget to be grateful for even the tiniest thing. We complain of our hair, do various things to it but never be grateful for it, but when my head was shaved off, when I saw hair fall in clumps right in front of me eyes, I realized how ungrateful I was for the wonderful hair I had. Hairfall might sound like an ordinary problem to some people but was way too different for me. Clumps and clumps fell out. When I combed it, washed it or even touched it. Right in front my eyes my locks fell down. Broke my heart each time, and it ended in loud cries and wails. Fed up of all this my mum decided to get it shaved. I was mentally broken at that time. The guy came home and I never saw the mirror, just silently wept. More in trauma actually. When those cool blades went up my head and I felt my bare scalp with my fingers, I was devastated. Even though everyone around me were telling me its not a big deal, but seeing my hair being shaved and fall on my lap was a whole different thing.

Cancer did weaken me at that point. Everything came to a standstill. But not for long. I embraced my bald look. Laughed about my small hair growth that made me look like a porcupine. Started wearing headscarves, long ear rings, caps and being all fancy. I decided I never needed hair to be happy. Amber Rose, Persis Khambatta and so many women looked beautiful bald. Sometimes we end up giving importance to such small things that dont even matter that much. Happiness lies way beyond and underneath. There I found another of my life jacket: My contentment of my bald look. the strength god gave to me to embrace it and pull it off differently each time. I do miss my hair but I have to admit, that being bald is so comfortable. Especially in summer. No worries of hairfall or style or whatever. Just wear a smile each time and that's more than enough to look pretty.