An Update

Firstly, after 3 years i have decided to resume my blog. After countless drafts and tonnes of random scribbles, I have finally decided to be regular at this thing. Also, once my treatment was over, many people were kind of shocked that I had stopped and advised me to start again. So for all those people who actually followed my blog, have liked my writing or either wise, this one is for you. Thank you for giving me the strength to write again.

Honestly, this update isnt about cancer or anything, but I would be touching upon topics which I have felt strongly ever since, has been a huge part of my life and is very hushed about in this society. Mental Health. If you are one of those people who are ashamed to talk about it, feel that it is 'overly dramatic', or are a staunch supporter against it, please dont further read as my blog is one platform where I express heartily without fearing  any judgement and if you would seem to hold anything against me or my thoughts after reading this, then its all upon you. Feel free to stop reading. I honestly believe that this is a huge and I mean HUGE stigma in our society and in a place where we all can help each other, we rather chose to judge and ostracize. This is my story and after a lot of contemplation I decided to write about it, and all I request is that wherever you are, whenever you can, please spread a little more positivity and little less negativity.

The single biggest contributor to recovery and fighting cancer is your mental health. The importance of this is absolutely under rated as the effect it can have on you, is unimaginable. If a good strong mind can help you fight a disease, the need for it is also dire. I personally have gone through a hell over time either during my treatment and after it battling anxiety and depression and more than the problem, it was people's reaction to it that left me shocked. I mean the world is a cold, heartless place, but the fact that people so close to you can become like that, was unthinkable. I really dont understand why did suddenly empathy vanish from the world? I have personally heard such horrid stuff being said about Deepika Padukone once she opened up about her story, that I felt of I did too, i will be met with the same negativity and judgement. Worse of all, I felt genuinely that something was absolutely wrong with me inside, that I wasnt "strong", that "snowflake" like me hasnt faced "life" and that I am extremely sensitive and "weak". After hearing countless numbers of "You are thinking too much", "You are creating your own problem", "Get busy, you wont think about all this", "You are just over reacting", I honestly blamed myself for feeling this way, called myself weak always and thought I was digging my own grave. "Am I feeling too much?" or "Why do I always cry?" or "What is wrong with me?" kind of questions always bogged me up. And to this point do.

Anxiety and Depression are not just terms people throw around for fun. So to the people who judge others for using it, call them weak and ostracize them please read more on it. Its legitimately a biological condition and not some recent fad. Yes people, if your brain cannot produce enough endorphins and serotonin, there is a problem that needs to be fixed. Just like if anyone has heart ailments and goes to see a cardiologist, your brain too has a doctor who isn't sitting there for no reason. 

To be completely honest, when people say that "Hey Vidushi, you fought cancer, you are extremely strong", I honestly dont feel that way because most of the times I cannot explain whatever happens inside me and why? If I tell somebody that there are millions of voices inside me, that thousands of people are speaking all at once and that my brain is playing out multiple worst case scenarios all at once, yes majority people would call me a psycho. I dont overthink on purpose. I dont 'think too much' or 'cant chill out' by my choice, so if anytime you meet me and tell me to "Chill broo", please understand that really I want to "Chill" as much as you but I honestly cant. 

"Why do you cry so much?", "You are an emotional person ". Most of my life I was taught to believe that crying makes you weak. That you shouldn't "feel too much" otherwise you are digging your own grave. I honestly thought the best answer to all this was to go numb, to not feel anything till when frequent outbursts started happening. Most of them in the dead of the night. I was alright with it, as after hours of crying I would fall back asleep and in the morning pretend as if it never happened. Only probably my pillow and the walls of my room have heard those stifled wails where I absolutely felt helpless, powerless, weak, timid and hated myself for feeling this way and couldn't explain what was happening to me or why was I feeling this way? I felt being vulnerable was a crime. Crime of all sorts, and that if you are showing these emotions outside, not only will people judge you but walk all over you. So this went on for sometime each night. Shit started when these feelings and thoughts would come in the middle of the day. When over a lunch with a friend I would suddenly zone out, when over work I would suddenly start overthinking and when all out of random in cabs or anywhere else I would just break down. Break downs became common and I had to hide everything, myself, package myself again as a "strong" female, apply kajal over the tear stained face and think of new creative excuses every time. 

Khaled Hosseini once said in The Kite Runner "It is wrong what they say about the past. I have learned  about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out". My perspective on the past was that once its done, its done. Well I had not thought that completely through. As your past has the power to shape some of your thoughts, your actions and ultimately you. I was bullied extensively in the past because of how overweight I was. At that time it was just a joke to people or just a way to mask their own insecurities, in any ways I was the prime target for all the bullies. From my building to my school, each day was a hellish nightmare because of the things i had to hear about my appearance. So naturally my view of myself wasn't the best as my entire teenage life I was made to hear such toxicity. And till this day those words would echo sometimes and guide my thoughts to a very unpleasant place. To anyone who has ever faced bullying, they are the ones who are flawed, not you. I wish I could tell you that it will be easy to get over, but I know it isn't. Atleast for me. To anyone who has ever bullied someone (intentionally or unintentionally) (To the people who have teased me, you know who you are), words have an impact. I know this would be a joke to you like everything else, but yeah your words and actions aren't just for anything. They have an impact, they might make you feel 'superior' at that time, but it can eventually scar someone for the rest of their lives and doing that doesn't make you 'cool', makes you rather a coward.

Coming back to my present life, I am still scared of writing this because it is being vulnerable and that feeling is always associated as a sign of weakness. There are moments when I am vulnerable, and no I am not weak. There were always moments where I was too afraid to be 'too happy'. I felt my perpetual state of feeling numb or sad should not be disturbed by feeling 'happy'. No, me smiling all the time does not remotely belong in the territory of happiness, over here I mean being happy internally. In my head I felt that, if i was suddenly happy, I would get used to that feeling and when the reality of pain would strike me I would have to surrender that piece of happiness and go back to where I belonged. I know it isn't making sense at all. But yeah, I was too afraid of being happy as I did not want that to be taken away from me and felt that if i never felt happiness, it can never be taken away. I dont care if I sound ridiculous, but now at this moment, I felt that the only way happiness could not be taken away from me was if i created it. I genuinely want to do this, create it and then feel it, but then I dont know how. I have associated that feeling to external situations and people, most often wrong people and when they left, they took that piece of happiness with them. In that phase, I really associated some people with that warm ray of sunlight, and most of the times, they in reality weren't. They would enter being the curious sort, put on the mask of being "caring" and left once they were satisfied. And now, I cant differentiate amongst them or cant leave them as I have grown used to them. On further contemplation I realized that, they genuinely never ever cared. They fed off my vulnerability, and I guess just got their own agendas accomplished and left. Deep down I know even you have met those kind of people. The ones who were like 'tourists', came, visited you, and left. They were interesting so you couldnt let them go away, but they did leave eventually. And took a part of you with them. Probably misused you on their way or probably didnt treat you the way you should have been. And my dear friend, you like me did not have it in your heart to accept this. 

One day when charting out the events in my life, I realized that most of the events often required me only to fight. When it came to bullies - fight, when it came to cancer - fight and now at this point I finally came to that realization that I was tired. I dont know why, or how, but yeah I was. And being tired was not me. No. My inherent nature was to get up the next day and fight again. I dont know why, even now I will continue to do so, how much ever hard it would be. I always believed in this one life - "The more you are tired, the harder you fight". I have spoken about all this after years, only as a way to liberate myself and start healing. I realised the more you hush about this topic, the more it hurts internally and adds to the stigma people associate with it. Statistically and large part of the population experiences this, and if everyone just openly accepted it and cared for one another, wouldnt the process of healing become quicker? Isnt it true that when two people share similar problems, the solution to the problems can be derived quicker? Than why not share, because everyone is on the same boat now. A little bit of empathy can go a long way. After Chester Bennignton had died, Mike Shinoda in one of his tribute concerts once said  that if you are going through some problems, dont be ashamed of it. One call, or one hug to someone to love can make the difference of life and death. 

To all those people

Who each night before sleeping doubt their worth,

Who have been shut off by the world outside and let to feel on their own,

Who have been too scared to feel or too scared to let go,

Who have been broken for too long and have lost their pieces,

Who have gone used to the perpetual state of blackness and the rainbow feels like a violation,

Who have hoped for help but have been hurt in the name of it,

Who have bit your tongue rather than let yourself out,

Who have carved your pain out in ways you cant imagine,

Who have doubted authenticity and the worth of happiness,

Who have submitted to the rejection of the society,

Who have rebelled against the norms of the society,

Who have each day counted love on their fingers and then cried,

Who have surrendered themselves to the atrocities,

Who have accepted disguised toxicity in the name of hope,

Who have bottled their anguish and accepted the agony,

Who have been walked over by the people they wished wouldn't,

Who have wished to feel nothing at all,

Who have wished for the screaming voices inside to go mute,

Who have in any ways wished for life to go mute,

Who have cushioned falls but have experienced being pushed,

Please realize you aren't alone and will never be. And this will end. I promise.